When Selena Gomez dropped her hit single "Lose You To Love Me" in 2019, the internet lost its mind. The track, an extremely powerful ballad detailed the ending of a toxic relationship (that the internet largely attributed to Gomez's tumultuous relationship with Justin Bieber, although this theory is unconfirmed) and how Gomez had to lose that person in order to realize that she loved herself more than she loved staying in a relationship that was slowly killing her. The track was met with extreme critical reception. Peaking at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 and currently standing at #55 Billboard's Best Breakup Songs of All Time List (published this year), the track made its mark. It dominated the airwaves, and of course, with that, began massive fan speculation over whether a line in the song (below) referenced Justin Bieber and his new fiancé Hailey Bieber (formerly Baldwin).
I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it's showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah
Bieber and Gomez famously dated on and off from 2011 to 2017, and had a largely (what appeared to be) toxic relationship with lots of off periods and gray areas. Readers, please note that there was so much research that went into this article that my eyes almost started to bleed. The lore behind the love triangle with these three appears to run deep, and I'm barely scratching the surface. However, there appears to be fan consensus that Bieber dated Selena shortly after her split from The Weeknd in 2017 and subsequently broke up with her because he was also seeing Baldwin (allegedly). It goes on to get worse when, only two months later, he proposed publicly to Baldwin, who he (surprise!) also had an extremely roller-coaster ride relationship with for several years (if you're interested in the entire drama, please refer to Reddit threads, but long story short - he met Hailey when she was a young fan, and continued to know her through her friendship with the Kardashian/Jenner family). Fans assume that "in two months you replaced us" largely refers to Bieber replacing her with Baldwin just two months after they split. And this is where it really all begins.
From the moment Baldwin and Bieber got engaged, superfans (or as I like to call them, psychopaths) started pitting the two women against each other. Hailey has always been his second choice, one "fan" wrote on a TikTok video; Justin clearly was happier with Selena, they're soulmates, wrote another. The comments were endless. Throughout the years, fans and online haters have speculated that Hailey was a superfan and "stalked" Justin until he married her; that she took subtle "shots" at Gomez in posts and in videos, and earlier this year, when Hailey (now Bieber) seemingly aimed at Gomez and her apparent "weight gain" related to her Lupus diagnosis in a TikTok video with audio saying, "now I'm not saying she deserved it, but God's timing is always right", everyone went apesh*t. She immediately took it down. Following the video, people dubbed Hailey a mean girl, trash, and a "homewrecker". She was torn apart in Instagram and TikTok videos, and overnight became a trending sensation (for good or for bad, the girl got publicity!) with users making videos of Hailey "copying" Selena repeatedly. Videos showed so-called receipts of Gomez posting one thing and then minutes or hours later, Hailey posting something so similar it was almost impossible to be a coincidence. Within days of the drama, singer Eva Grace released "Always Be a Fan" which dances not-so-subtly around the drama with lyrics slamming Hailey and the unproven "mean girl" claims with cutting lyricisms like these:
I know you're jealous
That I can make my name without a man
It's like you have a fetish
For copying me any way you can
From the shows, to the clothes
To the quotes, to the boyfriend
You can take his cash
But you're still the cheaper version
The first line takes a jab that Hailey's apparent only claim to fame (despite being a model) is being born a Baldwin while Gomez has acted and sung since her childhood years; and then the pre-chorus echoes: You can make believe that you're the bigger person / Pretend you're not talking shit online with your friends / Tweets and receipts won't stay behind the curtain / You think you won 'cause you got the man / But honey, you'll always be a fan. Yes, it's very to the point. And yes, if you're exhausted by all the intricacies of this that absolutely do not matter when there's people in the world that are dying, then congrats! You're normal. You also probably would not be surprised that when at a Gala, Hailey and Gomez took a photo together that went viral and seemingly squashed the beef. Gomez even put out a statement for people to stop bullying Hailey. Of course, even that wasn't enough.
The 2023 version of "the shot heard 'round the world"
Photo: Tyrell Hampton
But, it hit me upon hearing this song the first time, and why the photos of the two women together were not enough: we are conditioned to always have to have a villain in a story where a man is involved, and it seems to always have to be the woman.Why are we obsessed with the protagonist in these love triangles being the woman? Justin Bieber had years of womanizing, issues (that he thankfully has seemed to work through) and legal trouble. Why did he not get roped into any of this? He seemingly got out unscathed in the whole scenario when he's the one that dated both the women in the first place.
None of us will ever know the ins and outs of the lives of A-List celebrities and their problems. We will never be in their mansions; we will never sip martinis at their parties; and we will never be privy to their problems, their affairs, their makeups and breakups, or their dramas. We are simply outsiders, and speculators in the court of public opinion. Which is fine - until it isn't.
Hailey Bieber is not the bad guy, and that doesn't make Selena the good guy. That just makes both of these women simply just people, existing, and posting TikToks. Of course, if there was infidelity and Hailey knew Justin was involved with Selena and both parties were partaking in infidelity, they're both horrible people. But, we don't know that. We don't know anything. And just because you grew up as a Bieber fan and loved him and Selena together, the woman wrote a whole song basically detailing that he tore her down to build himself up and she had to leave to save herself. That should be enough information to let you know that she herself has closed the chapter, and you should, too.
The media loves to pit women against each other, and so does society. A man cheats, blame the woman! (But if that woman knew he was in a relationship and still continued on with the affair- she is absolutely as horrible as the offending party, and I will die on that hill that no one wants to admit is true. You can be a feminist and still admit that some people just suck!). A man goes on a date, the girl must be a slut! Leonardo DiCaprio dates a 25-year-old? She's a social climber! Brad is married to Jennifer Aniston but cheats with Angelina Jolie? The two women simply hate eachother's guts forever! We love nothing more than a narrative that blames a woman, and even better: a narrative that makes two women hate each other and creates a feud that goes on forever. We do not live in a one-dimensional universe: women, people like me, can exist in a space with someone that we don't necessarily want to be best friends with but still respect and not have a "feud" or a public issue with. Being classy and graceful and keeping it moving despite not wanting to be completely in love with every woman we've met is something that I've learned; and something that the majority of women do. Selena Gomez may have issues with Hailey Bieber. She may not. She may be wary of her but friendly in passing. And if she is? Who cares.
We simply must stop with this storyline that two females cannot coexist without hating each other. We have to absolutely stop tearing down female friendship and female existence simply because we need a villain in the plotline of life. If a TikTok can create an online smear campaign against the wife of a man who once dated a singer that a lot of people love, then what does that mean for the rest of us? If the new girl of some man in some hometown somewhere creates an Instagram post his ex-girlfriend's friend thinks is threatening, she gets to verbally assault the new girl online because it might mean she's jealous of the ex? Is that what we've come to as women, as ladies and as (hopefully) classy individuals? Because if it is, we're done. There's nothing left for us as a gender, as a group, as an identity class. If we cannot learn to coexist with each other in a way that would make others excited to get a drink with us, then we've let society and the media win in their conditioning that we must always hate the girl in line with us.
Collectively, we all need to realize that pitting two women against each other in the public arena is not just something that happens in Hollywood, but happens everywhere. We need to realize that we've all done it; we've all been catty, but we need to check our egos at the door and realize that growth, friendship and sisterhood never happens unless you decide it does. This behavior happens everywhere. It happens at your local bar; the Walgreens down the street from your house; and it happens in your families. It starts at home, in the way you think, in the way you consume media. And until we all accept that we can coexist while not necessarily wanting to (in the words of Andy Sachs from The Devil Wears Prada) braid every single girl's hair and gag about American Idol every Friday night, then we as a collective group of women all over the world are simply doomed. And we do, truly, have the media to blame.
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