Why We Need To Stop Apologizing for NOT Drinking

It didn't take me long as a human to realize that our society (particularly in the Midwest, it seems) has a massive hard-on for the concept of drinking and alcohol. What bar are we going to Friday? Is something more people have heard than times their parents have ever looked at them. I don't think this prevalence in our culture is something I thought of until the last two years. How prevalent alcohol is in our overall culture is not something that would've crossed my mind had it not started to impact me negatively. 

                                      

                                         My first alcoholic drinks in Chicago, circa 2019. 

In truth, I never drank until I was about 24. I had milk at a bar on my 21st birthday, which isn't something people would normally tout as "cool" but at the time I thought it was hilarious (and to be honest, I still do) ; and I never got "drunk" until I was 26. I can count on one hand how many times I've been drunk, and it didn't take me that long to realize that I didn't enjoy it at all. There wasn't anything fun about the act itself at all for me. I don't like not being able to remember what I said the night before; I hate the idea that I'm vulnerable and need to rely on someone else to get me home; and it scares me to know that the effects of it can creep up on you so fast and be differently every time. I've had terrible anxiety since I was about fifteen-years-old, and the second I hit 26 the "hangxiety" started hitting me like a bullet train in the mornings after I'd even have two or three glasses of wine spaced out over hours the night before. I realized this April that maybe my journey with alcohol was over. 

After a lovely trip to Florida, I decided to take a 30 day hiatus from all alcohol. When you go on vacation, of course you drink. It's vacation! I had ghost-pepper tequila (readers, if you do drink, please try it, it is an absolute must); amazing bourbon, and incredible wines. Truly, I had myself a time. I would like to preface: I have never had an issue with alcohol. I was always able to have a great time and say no when I was done. It never impacted me in the usual negative ways. But I noticed that it started to sneak up on me and was making my anxiety, sleep, and overall motivation worse. 30 days was meant to be a test, if you will. I figured that if I could do that and feel better then I would do my best to cut alcohol from my life, for the most part, for good. I wanted to see if by not drinking it, if there was anything it was adding to my life so emphatically that I would realize I simply needed to return to the activity despite how it made me feel. If it was so positively adding to the workings of my little terrarium of a life that I needed to keep it there (which I highly doubted), I needed to find out. So I embarked on the 30 days, finished them, and realized I didn't really miss it at all. I realized I did miss that it made me more relaxed, but I noticed it made a lot more unsavory things come out. I'd become a bit more raunchy (which I don't regard as a necessarily good thing as I was always raised to be more reserved and "ladylike" which I fear I'll hold myself to until the day I leave this earth); and it made me bring up conversations I may not have had the courage to had I not been drinking (which is not a good thing, and there are few things I've regretted more in my life than conversations I've brought up or things I have wanted to talk about at the wrong times under the influence of even small amounts of alcohol. I learned this the hard way). I found myself to become existential at a party, and retreat to a bathroom after a sudden "sad spell" came over me, and that was how I realized that yes, the experts and science ARE right! Friends, alcohol IS a depressant. Thankfully I realized that maybe I was drinking to cover up feeling real feelings and to make the reality of my life easier. I got laid off from a job I didn't love but needed the money right before my trip to Florida; I was back bartending part time which I also wasn't passionate about but really paid the bills; and I was in student debt that I wished to God I hadn't taken out. It's easy to run from reality when you're not living in it - you're drinking it. So I decided that ok, I won't stay completely sober, I'll limit my intake, and that worked! 

Early 2022 at a low point in life with an espresso martini. 

The start of the hangxiety was near. 

It worked until it didn't. I started noticing that even one glass of wine made me have crippling anxiety; my headaches got so bad I was taking three Excedrin Migraines after two glasses of wine; I was feeling nauseous smelling alcohol. And then I listened to a podcast that former Navy Seal Jocko Willink was a guest on where he described alcohol as something "that destroys so many people, I don't think people should drink it". I started listening to his podcasts before bed every night around March, and hearing this, from someone who I held in such esteem, I figured, well shit, if the SEALs are saying this, it must be true. Because let's be honest, they're SEALs for a reason. So exactly 24 days ago, I stopped drinking entirely. And I've lost 12 pounds, my blood pressure has gone down, and I'm sleeping better than I have in almost three years. 

To circle back to my original thought before I set the stage of my journey with alcohol - the Midwest (and the overall United States, and, from friends who grew up there, the UK in general) has a massive alcohol problem. You will be hard-pressed to find any activity during the winter months in the city of Chicago that aren't based around alcohol or some kind of drinking activity; and in the summer it isn't much easier. Even boating involves severe inebriation (unless you're counting kayaking as a luxurious boating activity, which I'd truly wreck my brain trying to find out how you'd fit a bottle of Grey Goose in one of those things), and so you're basically left with walks, the gym, workout classes, a "dry" or non-alcoholic pool (and even those are hard to find) and biking. Those are all great! But what about night? Well, have fun drinking a Diet Coke at Happy Camper, pals, because by 10pm everyone is absolutely blasted. We all base our weekends around where we're going, and truly, when was the last time those plans didn't involve a house party or a bar? I'll wait. 

But this problem extends to this: alcohol is one of the least regulated, easily available substances that you can purchase that, quite literally, is a poison. When was the last time you heard of anyone dying from marijuana? Becoming violent after taking a hit from a pen? When was the last time you heard of someone dying from overuse of psilocybin? Think about it and let me know, because I can't think of any (but also I'm not a researcher or a scientist, but a blogger who lives Chicago adjacent). But, we all know someone who has had an issue with alcohol. We all have met someone whose dad drank himself to death; we've heard about DUIs; someone who has gotten into countless fights under the influence or became violent or aggressive while drinking. In college or fraternity situations, alcohol is involved in more on-campus sexual assaults and violent attacks than not. Some experts posit that if alcohol had not been present, some of the incidents may never have happened. So why is it the only (let's call it what it is) drug that you have to explain top to bottom why you are no longer partaking in it? I have never once had to explain why I don't smoke weed; I've never once had to explain why I won't do cocaine, but alcohol? You better have an explanation ready for that. And a detailed one geared up to fire out of a gun. 

Since I became sober, I have had at least five direct messages on Instagram asking me why I wasn't drinking anymore; and "I just felt like it wasn't for me" was apparently not a good enough answer.  A friend said that "maybe we should hang out another time" when she gave me the invite to her bar-crawl birthday party and then realized that I didn't drink. Her reasoning? It might make everyone feel weird that they're drinking and you're not. If my lack of alcohol consumption on your birthday is hindering your ability to have a good time and enjoy your day, then your birthday is no longer about you. And it should be - not about what you're drinking! People seemed genuinely shocked and overly attacked that someone chose to stop drinking. As if it had something to do with them and was a direct attack on their existence and way of living. Given that it is not, why are people so offended? The answer is in the culture. When we are so conditioned that alcohol is normal; it is the be-all and end-all of a good time and fun weekend; it is represented heavily in television, music, even nightlife; when it is something that we go to college thinking is the weekend activity and all the cool people are doing it, it becomes normal. We start out at age eighteen thinking that we're going to go to college and party. It has quickly become a choose a fun school and academics will follow culture. Well, fun is drinking when you're a teenager. And when other people stop doing it when everyone else is actively participating like it's going out of style, it makes you feel a little bit threatened. And that, itself, is normal. People are afraid of what they don't understand, and when someone breaks away from what the overall mob deems as "normal" or "accepted", then that is considered simply grotesque. Especially if you're someone partaking in heavy drinking, too. 

Apologizing for not drinking isn't something we should be doing. We need to completely stop apologizing for quitting something that we've decided maybe isn't that good for us. We need to stop apologizing too much, period (I need to work on this); but we need to stop apologizing for things that are no ones business but ours. By apologizing we are admitting that we're somehow wrong, that this choice is somehow weird. It isn't weird. A mass conditioning has convinced us that continuing to poison ourselves is what makes an activity fun so we simply must partake or we're odd. Stop apologizing for something that isn't a criminal offense or hurting anyone but your liver. Owning up to something that isn't wrong or a great sin is giving in to the narrative that choosing yourself or your health is somehow not ok and out of the ordinary. Sobriety or sober curiosity is an extremely personal decision. Just like how choosing to drink or continuing to drink is a personal decision and a journey every person goes on whenever they choose to go out or socialize. I'm not standing in judgement of you if you drink. Live your life, because that's exactly what it is. Yours. You only get so many trips around that sun. Whether someone is sober or not and why is simply none of anyones business. If someone puts out that they're sober, it is not a threat to you; your weekend activities, or the fact that you love an ice cold Natty Lite after a day of gardening. Someone's decision to make a choice for themselves is not a drone strike on your way of living. It is a not a direct attack on your ability to have a Cabernet with dinner.  Someone's decision to be sober is not a coordinated and personal attack on your choice not to be. An unidentical path is not one that has to intersect or interfere with yours. Sobriety is a personal, intentional, and sometimes extremely difficult choice. It's not a linear path or voyage that everyone is privy to know about. People have lost parents to addiction. Some have addictive personalities. Some just don't like seeing they've texted someone "u up?" 14 times in an hour. And that's ok. It is also very ok to decide that you are going to continue drinking. It's very ok to realize that you do drink, and that maybe you are struggling. But if today is not the day that you decide to turn that horse around, then we all know that one day it will be that day. I write a blog. I do not stand in judgement of people who choose to imbibe, or who don't. Most of my friends drink, and I'll continue to go to bars with them until we're 90 and drink Diet Cokes and soda waters with them because it doesn't make one damn bit of difference. I dance on tables sober when I hear "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey and I am not ashamed of that (sort of). And if one day I decide I want a glass of wine with dinner, then so be it. I've learned my limits, and how to control myself. We need to stop apologizing for why we're not drinking, why we're limiting, or why we're simply just existing; because by doing that we're insinuating there's something to apologize for. And, while we're not apologizing - I promise I'll dance the night away with you and watch your drink (alcoholic or not) while you go to the bathroom. Because what's in that cup is none of my damn business. You just don't have to apologize for it.