Let Them. That's All.
A couple of years ago I was getting drinks with one of my friends at a bar that was magnificent in 2018 but is now the site of a laundromat (thanks COVID). She was talking about a guy she was seeing (we'll call him Alan) that, for sake of time, treated her like a complete option and last resort despite their very-much-together status. I was perpetually single at the time, and hadn't experienced this yet, and so I sat at the bar, aghast, wondering how someone could do this to another human being.
It's ridiculous. He only talks to me when it works for him. Whatever he promises me he'll do he doesn't do. I don't get it. We're TOGETHER.
I, personally, couldn't have agreed more. But this man couldn't have made it more clear if he'd written it in the sky during the Chicago Air and Water Show that he was treating her like an option because that's probably exactly what she was. He called only when he felt like it, not when it was important to her. He texted her once every fiscal quarter (that's an exaggeration, but even the most busy people have time in their day to check in a couple of times); and he was very cagey about introducing her to the important people in his life, like his friends, for example. Anything that was important to her was not time-sensitive to him - but everything in his life, was. She had to be there and call for things when he was in a crisis, but that same courtesy was not extended to her.
It's been about six years since that friend and I had that conversation. She's since gotten married (not to that man, thank God), but I've seen the same thing happen again, and again, and *sigh* again. Whether it's a friend, a friend group, or a partner...I've seen the "treat you like an option" course of action happen time and again. And then this year, I saw a TikTok titled "Let Them".
I have my own thoughts on the video sharing app TikTok, but sometimes, a user cranks out a nugget of information that really resonates with you. The video, essentially, touches on the simple concept of if someone doesn't want to do something, that you should absolutely let them do nothing. It sounds crazy, but hear me out. If someone doesn't want to follow through on something, you should positively let them. If someone wants to treat you like a second-rate person in their life, you should let them. Let them show their true colors. In 2023, it's absolutely better to find out who someone is sooner rather than later so they don't waste more of the time we get so little of on Earth. In a nutshell: let them be the brazenly rude person that they are, and then decide that that is NOT what you want to saddle yourself with in life. People show you who they are through how they treat you - not what they say - and we need to start believing that instead of "well he says he's crazy about me!" Well do his actions match it, babygirl?
I watched the video and saw myself sitting in that bar all those years ago with my friend, who was telling me with tears in her eyes, how the person she thought she was supposed to trust the most was the person she could rely on the least. My gorgeous friend, who spends hundreds of dollars every month to look amazing and decked to the nines, was breaking down over someone who couldn't see she was the most stunning person on Earth and would actually appreciate her. I didn't understand it then - but two years later when she met her husband, he realized exactly what prize was sitting in front of him.
Looking back on my own life, I can see where I let people walk on me for free: the friends who would talk about me behind my back; the friends who walked away; the friends who didn't stick around; or guys I dated that only acted like they appreciated me when it was convenient for them and their "busy schedules"; or when I was doing all the work.
Ladies (and everyone, I don't discriminate): let's get one thing straight. You're not a consolation prize and you're certainly no one's last choice. And if you are their last choice - let them show you. No one is too busy to send a text. Someone who truly wants to be with you is not too busy to show you how much they want you. Someone who wants you, shows you off. The person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life will never leave you confused or crying on a bathroom floor. It'll simply just work. You won't be confused anymore. Because someone who wants you doesn't confuse you. Friends who are supposed to be in your life are not going to stop being your friends because it's complicated; because something happened they don't want to "get in the middle of" (don't get me started on this Neville Chamberlain response); they'll simply be there because they want to be. And if they don't stay there? Let them. Let them go. Because wouldn't you rather know now, instead of ten years down the road, that your friend or your partner was really not who you thought all along? That you were trying so hard to force that relationship to work that you didn't see that if you'd just let them disappoint you, you would've found your happy ending much faster? You might think not - but the answer should absolutely, without a doubt, be yes.
It's a short life. My friend would never have met her husband if she hadn't taken a step back and just let that loser Alan* show her who he really was. She absolutely would've stayed in that relationship for another year, surely with countless other dinner and bar meetups with friends asking "what am I doing wrong?!" had she not just taken the discomfort for a long enough time for Alan to show her exactly who he was. If someone wants to not include you in something - let them. If your partner promises you they'll do something and doesn't follow through - let them. Your friend group has brunch but doesn't invite you? Well, let them. You only get so many trips around the sun, so don't waste it on people whose words don't match their actions. And for the love of God - stop crying over people who sure as h*ll aren't crying about you.
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